god bless us everyone!

i want to thank god, that superior power. who ever it is.

probably this is going to be the worst phase of my life. but i sill want to thank you. because you gave me good and happy times also. i truly believe in the karmic cycle. i never did break anyone's heart. never made anyone cry. never wished anything bad for anyone. but still today, i am heart broken. i don't have an answer to that. and from now, i don't even wish to find one. i'll accept whatever life is throwing at me. at whatever pace.

i know that,

they say, all bad things happen for a reason.

but, no wise words gonna stop the bleeding.

a few days ago, my maid, pooja, who comes in every morning to do sweeping and cleaning of the house was sweeping the floor of my bedroom while i was in the hall having my breakfast almost ready to leave for work. it suddenly struck me that i had left my wallet on the bed in my room. and i came running to keep it safely, scared that she would try to steal money. but as soon as i entered the room i saw her in front of my bathroom door, sitting on the floor such as her back faced me. when i leaned over to look i was surprised to see that she was trying on my slippers. i was taken aback. and as she saw me she got kind of scared and she threw them away in shock. i just smiled at her assuring her that it is alright and walked out of the room.

later she came up to me in the hall and asked me if i was angry. i reassured her that i wasn't. and promised her to buy a similar par for her soon. just before leaving she said i was lucky. i just smiled as i didn't know what to say in return to that.

And sometime back when i was fighting with god for putting me through this, trying to end my life for loosing the love of my life to nothing but his ego, her face flashed in front of my eyes. and i was suddenly quiet. in this pain, when it feels like there is a huge hole in the place where my heart used to be, knowing all the love, energy,dreams have been flushed down in front of my own eyes, i still felt blessed. yes i do.

my dad always said life's never easy. it puts you through a lot of tests. it has its own way to make you realize your own strength. its a long long journey. and through thick and thin, you'll get to know who are the people you can call as family. there will be times when you would see your own self as a stranger. there will be days when u'll open your eyes and you will feel like the loneliest person alive. there will be times when you would feel nothing could be worse and it will prove you wrong yet again.

i know if someone truly loves you, he wouldn't let you go far away. he'll be just there when the world feels like its falling apart. he would be there to fix things up before its too late.

Things about my life, R!

That i love.

#1 The dimples. they make me go weak in the knees.

#2 The way he can always make up a pj on anything in the world!

#3 He understands my love for other girls! :P :))

#4 I can discuss anything with him. i don't have to give a second thought . my fears. my failures. my insecurities. without being judged. its the best gift!

#5 The way he lifts me up. seriously. i never thought anyone would and could do that. ;)

#6 A damn amazing and sincere cook. i love to watch him cook. :)

#7 The fact he never drinks much when i'm around drinking..to take care of me. :*

#8 He's my encyclopedia. :))

#9 At his best when he's romantic!

#10 He always resist initiating a fight with me. accepts me with all the flaws i possess. and the he says i mean everything to him. i know i do. :)

Things i hate.

#1 He's not much into cheesy and mushy stuff.

#2 Thinks giving gifts isn't the best way to make each other happy.

#3 Kinda reserved when he is doing his serious thinking.

#4 Knows everything just too well. i can never fool him! huh.

#5 Doesn't dedicate me enough songs! just one in three years! (n m sure he wouldn't remember which one :P )

understanding me. effort #1

ive been an idiot all along. just scared too loose whatever i have. and keep dreaming. i need to ground myself. everything happens on a given specific time. you cant just fly in to time. and i have to learn that. seriously. need to spent a hell lot of time with myself to understand and value what i have. and i am just thankful that i have come to my senses before it is too late. i hope it is not. and i look forward to a better newer fresher me.

life after love

No matter how hard I try
You keep pushing me aside
And I can't break through
There's no talking to you
So sad that you're leaving
Takes time to believe it
But after all is said and done
You're going to be the lonely one

Do you believe in life after love
I can feel something inside me say
I really don't think you're strong enough,
No

What am I supposed to do
Sit around and wait for you
And I can't do that
There's no turning back
I need time to move on
I need love to feel strong
'Cause I've had time to think it through
And maybe I'm too good for you

But I know that I'll get through this
'Cause I know that I am strong
I don't need you anymore
Oh I don't need you anymore
No I don't need you anymore

This Is IT!

Hmmmm.

Sometimes its just so necessary to let go. and that is what i have done. At least, trying to.

Its so damn hard.

When for the past four (because it goes to before it ever started for you) years you've known nothing but that one person around you. parting from him is like loosing all your senses. you can't see whats around you anymore because you only prefer to live in the memories. you can't feel anything because the pain leaves you numb. you cant hear anything because the only voice you cherished sounds alienated. in fact everything single thing feels like it doesn't belong to you. you'll all by yourself.

you and i have been different. very different. and right from the start. and so has been the story of the evolution of our love. but something always told me that we'll turn out just fine for i knew i would do whatever it takes. but intuitions can be deceptive. at least for me. maybe i was being so loud just to suppress the truth. the actual inner voice. and now when i see you walking away from me... disappearing in that glittery mist...i still try to believe the words you say. but it tears me apart. its breaking my heart. And i have no one around. I have to deal with it all by myself. right or wrong, but, i have to make choices.

And this is what i know is best. for you and for me. because we never were 'we.' i don't know where my life is going to take me from here. because really, I've hardly made any choices for myself. i always accepted what was offered to me.

i would never ever blame you. because there is no point in blame games. i dont entirely regret the time spent with you. from start to finish, you were the man of your words. i couldn't get myself to change your ideology. and in a way i am happy that i did not. at least there are a few of you who just don't pretend. although it breaks my heart but i'll sincerely try to respect it.

Today, when i looked at the picture of your passion purple. i couldn't see it. all i could see in it was your shadow trying to click the picture. and i longed to see the twinkle in your eyes when you would've seen it for the first time. just like when you saw the camera. and then it struck me. the reality sets in. and there are zillion images of you and me in my mind. so, i know its never going to be easy. but ill fight it. ill struggle.

Because struggling to forget you is still a lot easier than being with you and struggling to make you remember me.

adios.

the current scinario

This is after really long that im writing again. And almost everything has changed in my life. College is over and I have started working. And that in itself is only such a big change. I have moved back to Delhi. And I don’t know what to say about it. At the moment, im so confused about every single thing in my life. I am just living every day after another because its handed on to me but I don’t want to that. Maybe it’s a phase. Maybe it’ll get over. Or maybe, it’ll take something to let this phase end. Whatever it is, I guess I’ll have to wait and find out. All I can do is hope and pray that things turn out all right.

Life is so short and unpredictable.. and the more I try to acknowledge this fact and try to make it worthwhile… it always backfires on me. I know I cannot get a sneak peek into the future and its going to be worthless even if I try. But I try my best to use the information given at hand and make a wise decision. But nothing seems to be relieving me.

There are my moments of fun but they hardly seem to last. I worry all day and I worry all night. And I seriously have no clue what the cause is. Sometimes it really drives me crazy.

i hope someone can tell me that everything is going to be alright. Someone I can believe in. I don’t even feel like writing now. Because these are lot more than just feelings.