So Much So

Although my heart says this is different. Although I have never felt it hit so strong. 

Although there is a feeling guiding me. 

Although I know this is it. 

Still a fear engulfs me. 

Still a worry seeps through in. 

Still a darkness unseen is hovering above

Still a voice a telling me, be careful! 

To give in to the fear 

Or to stand tall on what I feel 

This situation is feeding onto me. 

The strength to fight this fear 

And the strength to stand my ground 

Is asking my soul to be hollow 

And all the feelings to go numb. 

Will it really lead to a new beginning by the time this all ends?!

Turning One!

This year has been like a beautiful country song. And when i say that, i mean it was all-in-all melodious, laid back, happy, smiles-all-around kind of an year.

And honestly i am so grateful for it because i wasn't expecting this. But, then again, that's life. always full of surprises. and such, I love and I am just thankful because i was loosing my faith in love. And i didn't want to, because that is my only basic need for survival. And it was making me weak.

And this one year has taught me very clearly that love is all around. you cannot have it if you try to create it . it just needs to be felt, shared and nurtured. That you cannot rush the things you want to last forever. That everyday becomes a celebration and very sacrifice an opportunity to let your love grow deeper.

The celebration is not because it was hard to get here and that we finally made it. Instead, it is about how effortlessly, smoothly and in all happiness we have arrived here. it couldn't be more beautiful.

This year has given my faith back to me. it has given the strength to dream and to believe that love and music can fix anything. it has given me so many wonderful memories that will last a lifetime.

I am just so overwhelmed with all of it right now. life couldn't get any better!

Burning holes in the pocket could've never felt better!

 A sense of little pride has brought me here to write about it. 

Off late, I have been buying music from iTunes. Not downloading it although, it's an equally available option. And everytime I buy a track, I tell myself that next time i will rather download it for free. 

But, the feeling of proudly buying it without any piracy involved is so incredible that I feel like I can never go back to downloading. It's as if I've created a guilt and pollution free little library in my iPhone. 

Also, there are emotional reasons to it. As an out and out music lover, I've always felt how these songs have become a part of my existence contributing to it in some or the other way. Hence, purchasing the music legally is a token of appreciation you can offer in return and let them know that you believe in them.  Not that they need all that money but in terms of showing my respect and gratitude towards the artists I believe in. 

In all, it's a great feeling. It really is. :) 

The thing about Fear

Fear is one of the biggest reason responsible for let downs. It just captivates the essence of anything no matter how beautiful, perfect or powerful it may be for that matter. 

And I am struggling, because I fear. 

Fear of losing what I have right now. To me, it seems so perfect that I have started to count on it. And I fear that will it be able to sustain the trust I have put in it. And if it can't will it be the failure of it all? 

What I fear even more is the reasons responsible for giving it up. Will the reason be fear itself or will I be forced to. 

Everywhere I look around, I find fear engulfing me. 

I had always believed that love knows no fear and with fear in your heart you could never love. Yet, I am here today neck deep in fear, and ready to fight the world if need be coz god knows I have never felt anything this real before. 

I guess there it is. My answer. My strength. 

I just need to be patient and do what I have to do. The destiny will unveil at its own right time. 

Fear or no fear, it will be what will have to be. 

The Thing About Arranged Marriages

What is it bout arranged marriages that the mere mention of it stings?! And the further you probe on this, the sting turns into a dramatic churning of emotions deep inside. 

Does it advertise one's failure? The incapability of finding someone on your own that would love you enough to stay with you? Or is it the insecurity of being trapped with someone who has been a complete stranger. Or is it that the word Arranged symbolises and concretes the absence of love?! 

Somehow, for reasons unknown, I have come to fear this. Not for the above mentioned reasons but for the fact that since I have come to understanding things, love has been the most integral part of everything. Of all the decisions I have made, of all the triggered emotions and in a general out look towards day to day life. 

And the concept of arranging something whose true essence is just love and companionship, it is like fighting against my own instincts, my very beliefs. And this makes me highly uncomfortable. 

It's like a constant battle. 

I just hope I win this against me. For if I loose this one,I know for sure, there won't be any zeal to fight any other. 

Note to self

Just need to be patient. Expecting miracles evoke highest anxiety. Yes. I am expecting miracles but its not like m not working for it. Futile or not, efforts I need to make. And need to be patient for its only me who can get me out of this rat hole. For as long as ita my time to serve here, I will have to weather i like it or not. So its for me to remember to keep making efforts and keep calm.

BitterSweet Symphony :)

here i am. once again, after months of highs and lows trying to decode the same old heart and its worries.
this post marks another phase of my life. the road, definitely not less traveled but still unaware of its destination.
music has forever been and forever will be the central and most integral part of my life and probably that explains the sudden and recent changes in my life. the only thing is how to trust your heart and even the stuff you most believe in? what is the evidence that it wont trick you? clearly, none. then why does one still goes spellbound under its influence and the broken heart dares to dream again? it cant be hope. hope has been thrashed and that too, more than once.
it has to be a different connect or a connect at a whole different level.
I just want to put a rest to all the thoughts in my head and hum along this beautiful bitter sweet symphony and then if destiny let it be, make it the most beautiful song of my life :)

The biggest irony of life

once again, i get too lonely. how am i ever suppose to understand my own self. to be distant from everyone is what i want. and when they are all gone, the silence pricks me deep. you know what your heart longs. but also the realization that you will never touch the surface of it, something that is embedded in you. ironical but true.
something that you allow to crawl in to you and seep in deep knowingly that it is just existing in your world and not the universe. and you fight. with your heart and soul, to make your world real and not the universe. before you will ever know, the identity is lost. it is neither your world now nor the universe. you become everyone's enemy and especially of the ones you crave. to cut open your heart to the eye of the stranger is your fearlessness. but what you don't realize is this bravery invites fear of a lifetime. you become the biggest hypocrite you will ever see. you stop residing in your own heart and soul. you are the stranger and you are your own enemy now. the world will continue to move around you but your existence will be seized in that strangeness. all you will feel is the frozen cold, with so much warmth inside you ready to explode but you will still search the source of it. this is the biggest irony.
your wishes and desires are limitless. your thoughts know no boundary. your love deep like an ocean and the craving to serve is abundance. still, you will be the rock that gives no one no happiness or any reason for anything. you will watch the world with your strange and still eyes, till it disappears with the world with in.
you make everyone strong and provide them with the strength they need, but, where will you ever find the strength to confront your own pain? perhaps, never. you will search for the source of it, which was borne into the universe much before your existence. blame it on me and you will, for the warmth that shall never evaporate the frozen. sure, soon enough the chill might frozen the warmth.

the tunnel phase

sometimes being alone seems the worst thing. and in this span of time, everyone you meet seems to have the best time of their lives. don't really know how much of this is true but the fact remains that it sucks from the inside.

i just fail to understand that how at every moment the way you feel differs. at one moment you're so awesome and the next you are sulking so bad that you wish no one could even see you. and where does these signals come from in the first place?

is it bollywood movies?

or love birds songs?

or ur fav sitcom couple splitting?

or some mushy story?

or ur friends getting married?

or the happily ever afters?

whatever it might be, it really sucks! does everyone at some point goes through this phase in their lives? or is it just me?

okay it is really hard to say it out loud but i have screwed up everything. the relationship with my parents, my friends. everything. and i dont even know why i am just going on like this! i mean there will some way out of this whole web, right?

THE AWAKENING

its always after a long time i feel like writing again. but, this time i was wondering if i should really leave alone this blog and start a new one being this the new year and all and also considering the fact that i had almost given myself into believing that i had lived one part of my life which i will never smudge into. soon enough i realize that you never live life in parts and even if you chose to look at it that way, you're just shutting your eyes. the life you have lived never disappears.

And i am not saying this because i choose to exist in the past or am haunted by it or something. but things really never go away. the situations, similar situations keep coming back to you or right in to you and if you're eyes are shut, trust me you will occur in the very same way you once did.

hence, wise enough would be to be present to your own past and try to see what you did that didn't work for you. it helps.

so i have decided to stick to this one for the rest of my life. also, here's something that i want to take up. i know that i really don't feel right these days. at all. but i would go back to the happy-go-lucky-me. i sooo miss me. i really do. and all the crazy things i have done. i want to do them again. and many more. i wont let my life become any boring. and i give up worrying at this moment. cautious or not cautious....i landed up here. love, heart break, loneliness, friends, workload, happiness, tears, boredom, bosses..amidst all this i won't just survive..i'll LIVE!!

tangled state of mind

feels like the sand is slipping out of my hands. I am just still doing nothing and still i feel that I always end up hurting the people I love. I don't understand what they expect of me and why. For how long will they see me for the choices i have made in the past. Why can't they just see me for who I am and why I do certain things. I just want to run and hide in your arms and sleep forever and spare myself all these judgments. sometimes, just surviving becomes such a big deal for me that i just wanna give myself up. I know ill never be good enough. but i just don't want to cause so much hurt.

Existence

the silence gets to my DNA

and therefore, sometimes,

the voice of my own breath

is a relief enough to know

that m still alive.

peace

too much sunshine.

pleasant breeze.

cool.

but you can feel the warmth.

a humming tune.

coming and going of the waves.

far far away.

still that overwhelming silence.

clear sky.

white sand.

absorbing. every bit.

Jo Bhi Main kehna Chahun.. Barbaad karein Alfaaz Mere

what it tales to feel alive again

sometimes you sit alone, crying and wondering why did this happening to you. and then you cant stop smiling and wonder why is it happening to you!

Turn Away...'coz I need You More

ligament fucked. head feels like some elephants are pounding inside it. but this Diwali was one of the very few good ones I've had. Yes, family wasn't around but the latter half of the day, it was just like everyone was home! There is so much to write about every single detail but some details are better in-scripted just in your mind.

If at all there is a time in anyone's life, where they wish they could go back into the past, relive it all because they didn't know back then that it will be soon gone, it was today for me. I know GOD has always been kind and I honestly thank him a lot for THIS.

but, Attachments bring more pain with them. I have always, Always believed that nothing happens without a reason. and i don't know the reason. and i am definitely not strong enough to wait for it to be out in the open.

Why should there be a choice to not endure the pain that has been caused and live anew?

with new freedom, come new Risks.

Better to be in your cocoon and lie comfortably in the darkness. The flash of hope is bound to hurt the pupil of your eyes.

a lot is there to write about. but i have no clue where t start. coz i dont really know how my brain is working right now. and the songs. god! why do they even make such songs! but then again...i am glad that they do. its not like you're the only person with a messed up life.

chuck it. ill try writing tomorrow.

for you my lil one!

i don't have a heart of stone.

and i never wish bad for u.

i can never make you understand

that how much i care for you.

i have always protected you

like my own child.

whatever i have

I've shared with you.

but you will still continue

to believe whats in your head.

i have never written anything

dedicated to one particular,

but here i am, writing for you

i am sorry.

if in any way I've ever hurt you.

Contradictions

As i lie alone here

Clueless of the future

Wishing for a silver lining

Inside my unknown fear

Negotiating in my mind

The losses and the gains

Still trying to find a meaning

In the residues and the remains

One moment, i want to fly

Live again a life where i could dream

But soon enough i am reminded of the voice

From my broken heart, that turns into a scream

And i withdraw my self from this world

Trying to feel safe just like in a mothers womb

I guess, ive given more than ill ever have

So i've accepted being comfortably numb.

Against the will

life is so unfair.

and you have to live.

i wish i were free. free and wild as i could be. i wish i didn't know how to care for people. i wish i didn't know what they want. i wish i didn't know what they expect of me. i wish i didn't know of the pain when the heart breaks.

the world just robs you off of your innocence. people say its good to be strong. but i know how many smiles have to die and how many tears you have to cry to become strong.

i dont know if i have myself to blame or someone else. but this has been a wicked journey. a journey where i lost a lot. A journey that never reached its destination but sure taught a lot all the way long!