This Is IT!

Hmmmm.

Sometimes its just so necessary to let go. and that is what i have done. At least, trying to.

Its so damn hard.

When for the past four (because it goes to before it ever started for you) years you've known nothing but that one person around you. parting from him is like loosing all your senses. you can't see whats around you anymore because you only prefer to live in the memories. you can't feel anything because the pain leaves you numb. you cant hear anything because the only voice you cherished sounds alienated. in fact everything single thing feels like it doesn't belong to you. you'll all by yourself.

you and i have been different. very different. and right from the start. and so has been the story of the evolution of our love. but something always told me that we'll turn out just fine for i knew i would do whatever it takes. but intuitions can be deceptive. at least for me. maybe i was being so loud just to suppress the truth. the actual inner voice. and now when i see you walking away from me... disappearing in that glittery mist...i still try to believe the words you say. but it tears me apart. its breaking my heart. And i have no one around. I have to deal with it all by myself. right or wrong, but, i have to make choices.

And this is what i know is best. for you and for me. because we never were 'we.' i don't know where my life is going to take me from here. because really, I've hardly made any choices for myself. i always accepted what was offered to me.

i would never ever blame you. because there is no point in blame games. i dont entirely regret the time spent with you. from start to finish, you were the man of your words. i couldn't get myself to change your ideology. and in a way i am happy that i did not. at least there are a few of you who just don't pretend. although it breaks my heart but i'll sincerely try to respect it.

Today, when i looked at the picture of your passion purple. i couldn't see it. all i could see in it was your shadow trying to click the picture. and i longed to see the twinkle in your eyes when you would've seen it for the first time. just like when you saw the camera. and then it struck me. the reality sets in. and there are zillion images of you and me in my mind. so, i know its never going to be easy. but ill fight it. ill struggle.

Because struggling to forget you is still a lot easier than being with you and struggling to make you remember me.

adios.

the current scinario

This is after really long that im writing again. And almost everything has changed in my life. College is over and I have started working. And that in itself is only such a big change. I have moved back to Delhi. And I don’t know what to say about it. At the moment, im so confused about every single thing in my life. I am just living every day after another because its handed on to me but I don’t want to that. Maybe it’s a phase. Maybe it’ll get over. Or maybe, it’ll take something to let this phase end. Whatever it is, I guess I’ll have to wait and find out. All I can do is hope and pray that things turn out all right.

Life is so short and unpredictable.. and the more I try to acknowledge this fact and try to make it worthwhile… it always backfires on me. I know I cannot get a sneak peek into the future and its going to be worthless even if I try. But I try my best to use the information given at hand and make a wise decision. But nothing seems to be relieving me.

There are my moments of fun but they hardly seem to last. I worry all day and I worry all night. And I seriously have no clue what the cause is. Sometimes it really drives me crazy.

i hope someone can tell me that everything is going to be alright. Someone I can believe in. I don’t even feel like writing now. Because these are lot more than just feelings.

how i wish i were a rain drop...

with the sound of the rain pouring, outside

how much do i wonder on the inside

trying to verify the reason to my existence

the feeling inside me is so intense.

when i know that there is none to embrace me,

when i am a million pieces inside.

unlike these rain drops, who have the earth

to embrace them, with its arms wide open, outside.

the raindrops fall free from the sky, free and fearless

eager to embrace the earth with their love, outside

unlike me, falling on broken wings, with a fear

of the stark reality of my loneliness deep inside.

how I wish i were a rain drop,

just like one of them falling, outside.

for i'd be sure that my love awaits me

and i won't feel, like i feel now, inside.

The latest love of my life!

well... its a girl. and m so totally in love with her. i have spent quite some time of my previous summer breaks with her but this time our bonding is magical. i have my internship also going on during this summer which is why i only get to spend the evenings with her. its actually sad but i look forward to coming home after a tiring day's work!

no matter whatever time i get back home, she's there waiting for me. and then she'll be in the kitchen with me as i make a cup of black coffee for me and as well as her. just a bit though, for her coz she dosen't happen to like its taste much. and as we drink our cups (of different sizes) of coffee, we discuss our day and she listens to each of my crap story with equal curiosity. everytime. and i have no idea how much sense she's able to make out of them but its really nice to talk to her. sometimes it feels like no one else pays so much attention to whatever i have to say.

and after i am a bit relaxed its time for fun! we play stupid games,but, oh! how i love them. the best one is to stick our tongues out and see who gets to lick the other tongue first! i know how foolish it sounds but its so much fun with her. and then we dance on the ketchup song and we roll over the bed laughing and we've made up some funny steps on 'the final countdown' song and we go crazy doing them! then we play hide and seek which she seems to enjoy a lot. and after all this she doesn't want to go back to her home, so, she stays back as i make dinner for myself. and she really likes what i cook. :)

and then finally when her mom comes to call her home for dinner she has to leave but she always leaves with a promise to be back tomorow evening. which she always fulfills. only until today. and thats the reason of the post. she's not home today and m missing her!

anyway, she'llbe here tomorrow and then probably i'll show her this! now m off to buy her a birthday present for her birthday is only a few days away and this year she'll be three! :D

i cant wait to dress her up like a birthday barbie! :D :D

almost lovers...

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot walk the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

eureka!! what an idea sir ji! :)

why cant there be condoms for pen drives?! who gave them the divine right to go fucking all the computers and infecting them?!
okay, i know there is something called as an anti virus and u should perform the virus scan before opening any pen drive, but, there are some viruses who are like deadly. even these virus scans cant control them from infecting your computer.

and, for the worst, i have got my self into this situation. after carefully protecting my lappy for more than two years now, i finally gave way to this deadly virus who's taking over control on my lappy. my poor baeby!

i feel like an irresponsible, looser parent who never told her child to use protection! but, then i guess its not a good idea. as in, the whole job of a condom is to not to let the transfer happen, whereas, that is exactly why we made pen drives.

but, then i find my self thinking that the real job of a condom is to give you what you want without giving you what you don't. that's the whole art of it!
so, can't we make condoms for these cocky pen drives which can help us transfer the data without transferring the infection?! i really wish there is some way!

welcome! my blue baby :)

okay... so, finally i bought my first ever ipod last week as my advanced birthday gift. the color i wanted was baby purple which i had first seen almost six months back. and that became my #1 on my 'must have' list. i literally lusted for it. but as luck would have it, i did not get that color. it was depressing. so, i ended up buying a bright blue. it looks 'jhintak.' my purple looked far more elegant. but its alright, m happy enough to own one.

but the problem is i still have to get over its charm. its been almost a week, and i would have just sent a few hours without my blue baby in this entire week! i am like addicted to it. i knew this would happen. its my nature. i get attracted to things very fast but, their charm wears off even faster! but in this case it hasen't happened yet and what scares me is that i dont even see that coming. i sleep with it plugged in my ears, i go to the loo with it, brush my teeth with my blue baby still plugged in. except when i have to take a shower and and like some two hours in the entire day, m listening to it.

hey, it just struck me, maybe this is the reason i dont feel like takin a shower in this sticky wether also!
i miss onto conversations with my freinds. i dont hear my phone ringing, and even when sometimes i do, i dont take calls if m listning to one of my faves which happens to be my entire playlist. (almost)

its a good feeling to be in my music world all the time as it is the only other important thing i need to survive in this world. but then, its crazzy! my mind always stays preoccupied with songs. my roomie told me the other day that i was humming even when i was sleeping.. could that be possible! i dont have a clue! but, i surely need to cut down this mania or ill grow completely insane!