The week that was unlike my previous! ;)

Okay. i guess i still am a little high. partially on last night's alcohol and partially on the way i felt last night. its got nothing to do with sex. but, just meeting new people. After last night i realized, that i haven't done that in a while. and it really really felt good. a few of them i met were kinda younger to me but the way we got talking, no one could have guessed it. i had planned to push early cause i wasn't sure about it. but one it all started i didn't even look at the watch once!

All that apart, i really feel sometimes it really is important to meet unknown people. it is not necessary that u go on and develop a solid friendship even if u clicked and gelled well for that particular time. But, it gives u a great insight. a great understanding. and a great sense of relief. don't know about others. but to me it surely does. I get to know that i am not the only one in this world with problems and i am not the only one who is crazy. every one has their own share of that crazy part in their head.

It is not that as many of us say that so n so is very transparent. and so n so is very manipulative. and so n so is pretentious. It is that part of us that is transparent, manipulative, humorous, pretentious, kind, unkind and so on. Every one of us is a mix of them. We never really are who we are. It is always in the moment. In the surrounding to make us who we are. in that moment. for that particular time. and the people who we are with for that particular time remember us that way for the rest of their lives. that kind of explains why different people have different opinions about the same person. so, if someone doesn't like you, someone adores you too :)

so in all ive been chilling this week. and for sure my boss is gonna put my ass on fire the first thing in the morning. but, now that i know it, ill keep the ice in a bucket ready!! ;) :))

Only One!

There is going to be only one person whose name you will never forget even in the middle of your sleep.Only one person whose name you will never want to bring up. Only one person who could get your pulse racing and your heart beat faster. Only one person who could break your heart in tiny pieces.Only one person whose name you'll remember admits deepest shit.Only one person whom you'll think of in the happiest of times.Only one person who could make you believe that your life means something. Only one person who could make you believe that your life means nothing. Only one person who would give you a million tears and still counting. Only one person who wipes a million tears with his hands, every time. Only one person who will make you experience what its like being in hell. Only one person who will make you experience what heaven truly is!

But what would you do if the person who holds you tight and then goes ahead and throw you away is one? The Only ONE!

Was it Worth it? or not Worth it?

For someone like me, holding a secret from someone i think about and talk to day and night, wasn't easy. But i tried my best to keep up despite the almost tickling anxiety to burst it out just for that one expression of happiness that I wanted to capture for an eternal timeless memory.

Now, i will have a timeless memory but, it wont be of lips breaking into a smile and eyes lighting up with sparkle!

I guess that every turn, deserves a return and that's probably why my efforts to make a special day extra special have led me to such a state of shock. I don't know if god is planning to send me on some WAR, because that could be the only explanation possible for such heartbreaking events that occur and are turning me into a colder person by the day!

You can only wonder that why the universe conspires against you when you don't conspire against anyone at all. And wondering will only lead you towards madness.

All I've learnt is some people are deserving and some are not. But, I am no judge of it. You can only do what your heart tells you to, as it always shows you the right way, even in spite of the fact, that, this was not the way you wanted to take! But I guess, that's the irony of it, and my life.

When you miss someone!

You know whats missing. And you try to make yourself understand. But what if nothing is helping. What if you really do miss someone. you know its impossible to be with them at the moment but and with all your busy schedule, exciting new job, new challenges; you still can't get them out of your way.

And whats worse is that absolutely no one, yes, no one whom you love is with you. And its not you who is away, you are right there where you belong, but, every one else is away. Far away.

Things that you might try but, they don't seem to work:

• calling up every random contact in your phone and talking crap.
• washing, drying, ironing your entire wardrobe.
• cooking over doses every single night.
• watch utter rubbish on the television as every damn movie and song reminds you of the one you miss.
• Even if you are new to your job and it is not required, you work extra hours.

This is still fine, but, the side effects are even worse.

• you watch a couple just smiling and talking at a red light and you break down in your car.
• you cry in the bathroom, in the kitchen, in the office bathroom, in your boss' car, in your car, in your bed......................practically everywhere.
• you feel worse if the weather is nice. you cant enjoy anything.
• you avoid to talk to people. you prefer staying alone leading you to more depression.

Does anyone know a way out of it. I just know that i am really really sick of feeling sick because i am missing someone. and i don't even know if he feels the fraction of what i feel!

All i want right now is to feel how it use to feel being next to each other or ill just drown in this ocean of memories and stray.

On the first page of our story,

the future seemed so bright

Then this thing turned out so different,

I don't know why I'm still surprised.

I have so much to write about. and i hope i can write it down. and no i dont think so. i cant this time. not now.

just being ME!

okay. the last few days have been, if nothing, different. different in a way i could never imagine.

Yes. i wanted to run away. to a better place. and hoped that it'll fix everything. but now here, i am confused more than ever. and now i guess i want to run from here too.

But, i know it ain't gonna help. it'll come back. everything, if i keep shutting it out. This time I HAVE to follow my instincts. just let go. and go with the flow. guess, its right. you cant have anything if it ain't destined to be yours and before its natural time.

i wanna get back to work. i hope i get to hear from satya paul people. god, thats what i really want.

If anything, all of this has taught me is to be patient. i had become very impulsive and moody and after last night i cant look me in the eye. Thats not the kind of girl my daddy wanted me to be. and i don't wanna hurt him. and the most importantly, i don't wanna become one of them! its not me.

I have to remind myself the woman i wanted to be. The love i wanted to give out to the world. The things i wanted to create. the happiness which i wanted to spread. So many of these things. I wonder whats stopping me to do all that? I guess the anger, the continuous struggle to make things work on the personal front, the hatred. In the process to get somewhere, i have manipulated my self so much that i have forgotten the real me and i tell others that they have changed! Guess my family has noticed that and hence tried to tell me but i always mistook them.

I never got that saying: 'Love yourself' but, i guess that is most important. to remember who you are. to like who you are. to appreciate who you are. to LOVE who you are.

I am so so glad that at least i have come to realize this. of course, things don't change over night. it will take a lot of effort to just being me! but i am sure it will be worth everything. :)